I've had a lot of time over the break to process the results of my recording session. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have been unable to find joy in the outcome of that day. I started that session full of excitement and hope, and finished it with a vile taste in my mouth. I have been tempted to blame it on my music, or the way it was conducted / performed / recorded / etc. It's taken me some time to figure out that it's more about my perception and self-reflection than any external factors. Maybe I felt if I failed at the session, it would be excuse enough for me to give up.
I realized that in addition to my intense masters program, I am carrying the weight (doubt) of the decision to leave my career and all the safety and security it provided to pursue the dream I've had since I was 12 years old. I expected to feel this to one degree or another, it did not come as a surprise. However, more realizations have come to light over the last 10 days.
As I write this, I'm listening to music that at one point really spoke to me, music I wrote, that I was emotionally tied to. For some reason it just sounds like noise, the meaning lost. My direction is no longer so clear and precise, It's like walking through a fog that never thins out. What has happened to me that music that once inspired and uplifted me has lost its meaning?
I turned 54 this year. Age never bothered me at all until 50. Then it was like a switch flipped, not only the physical things that happen as a body gets older, but also the realization that I have more days behind me than ahead of me. Imposter Syndrome tells me I'm too old to be taken seriously in my chosen field.
About a decade ago I started taking composition lessons with one of the most influential composers of modern band music. I took exactly one lesson. One! Without even looking at my music, he simply told me, "You are to old to be successful as a composer. Do you have any other interests?" WTF? He may be considered an amazing composer but he's shit as a mentor! What person in a mentoring position tells someone they will never be successful in their field? Even if it's true, you don't ever say that. Not even as, "I'm just trying to save you from pain and embarrassment for even trying." I've been carrying that bullshit around for a decade. I'll decide how to handle pain and embarrassment if they ever come, your job is to mold me and my music. I need a mentor not a babysitter!
Let's set the wayback machine for 1982. I was in 6th grade. Until that point, I wanted to be an astronaut. It was a completely reasonable an attainable goal. I had it all figured out (well, I thought I did at the time). I needed to join ROTC in high school, get a degree, enlist in the Navy / Air Force as an aviator, and eventually apply for the space program at NASA. I was stoked! My 6th grade teacher talked about careers one day and I was so excited to tell him my plans. His response? "You should try something more realistic." Again WTF? Really, even if I never would have made it (I discovered later I was too tall to ever be considered for a fighter pilot, but didn't know at the time) you don't ever squash a child's dreams. Mentors guide you along the best and most likely path to success, encourage you to believe in yourself and pursue your dream no matter what. I need a musical Mr Miyagi!
So now I'm overcoming the trauma and damage caused by a teacher 40+ years ago, and a well-known composer 10 years ago. This is the baggage I carry, and it just hit me that it's troubling me along with age-related and imposter syndrome doubts. So now, the way I've been feeling since the recording session 2 weeks ago makes more sense to me. Instead of viewing it as a marker of success and a move forward, it felt to me like further conformation that this whole idea is a mistake.
It's difficult enough to become a student at 50 let alone sort through self doubt and decades old trauma. It's exhausting. As much as I wanted this blog to be about documenting my program for others, it has turned out to be incredibly cathartic for me to hash out this self-inflicted diatribe.
I have the full unwavering support of my amazing wife and countless others in my life who have taken a stand for my success. That is my strength and it counts for much more than the opinions of narrow-minded individuals who didn't have a clue as to what mentoring looks like.
