Hit an emotional wall today, hard! Have a director I just can't seem to make happy. My advanced mixing class is the emotional equivalent to having a root canal with no Novocain. Personal life is 'lifeing' all over me. We are at the absolute end of our financial rope and I have no real prospects of a music job come July 22nd. I've started looking for Instructional Design jobs, or quite frankly, anything at this point. I have enjoyed the program for the most part and at the risk of sounding conceited, have become pretty damn good at it. However, it is getting to be so emotionally taxing that if someone offered me the chance to go back and make this decision again, I would be very tempted to say no!
What was I thinking? School by itself is hard. Marriage by itself is hard, add children and it's doubly so. Mid life, voluntarily leaving a high-paying career, moving, buying a house. All these things are stressful in and of themselves, why the fuck did I decide to do all of them at once? I don't sleep well, my diet is shit, I'm having chest pains, numb legs (maybe a heart attack?)
I have days that I am so positive and hopeful, and days like today where I just want to die. For the most part the good days outnumber the bad, however, that ratio is rapidly beginning to reach 1:1.
This blog is cathartic and does help, but I am running out of strength to maintain. A month from tomorrow is my last day, I hope I make it.
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